GRIEF

Hi! So I know I haven’t blogged in a very long time, but I have been dealing with a lot emotionally and physically.

I always intended to do a birth story after the labour, but I can’t bring myself to physically write what happened yet and also I don’t want it to possibly interfere with anything that’s going on in the sidelines to.

So I’m coming back to talk about grief. This is one of the feelings you aren’t told you’ll feel when this happens to you, it’s not widely spoken about. I think I’ll be doing okay and feeling better, then I see a baby girl gender reveal and it’ll hurt my heart all over again.

Now it’s no secret we longed for a little girl, we already have 2 boys and a daughter is something I’d always wanted and always envisioned in my future. When we found out she was a girl, we made plans, we imagined a life we would have. I’d get to dress her in the prettiest outfits, she’d stumble in her first little dress and her scraped little knees would be covered by beautiful little tights, she would come with me to beauty appointments and I’d paint her fingers and toes the colours she’d choose, we would argue like me & my mum did and I’d send her to my mum for a lesson on attitude, she would become anything in the world she wanted to be, she’d have her heart broken by boys and Kieran would do the ‘break her heart I’ll break you face’ montage whilst I soothed her and her tears would fall on my shoulder, she’d then find someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and Kieran would walk her down the aisle, have a dad & daughter dance at her wedding and I would cry buckets at my girl becoming a woman...

I imagined it all.

I dreamt about it all.

I now have to imagine a world where that will probably never happen, a world where she won’t grow up and move out, where we won’t get the back chat, where we won’t get to see her with scraped knees from chasing her brothers.

I have to grieve for a life that’s missing.

For plans that have had to change.

What I’ve realised is; that’s ok. It’s totally ok to have to take 5 minutes and be upset our lives didn’t work out that way, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be angry.

We’re super lucky we still get to experience the Daisey as she is now, obviously I’m more than elated about that.

But we’re also allowed to grieve the Daisey she could’ve been.

❤️